Sometimes things go slowly: I write a sentence. Maybe a paragraph. I reheat my coffee. And the days continue like that for a while.
Then sometimes everything speeds up all at once: I get a story acceptance. I get a poetry acceptance. Someone on the other side of the world reaches out to me because they’re using one of my short stories in their paper about urban planning and want to get my pronouns right.
What? All that really happened. What??
I feel so elevated, my heart is soaring, and I celebrated with a chili cheeseburger.
So yeah, how are things going with me right now? Pretty well, honestly! I wrote some non-fiction (it’s a literary critique) for the first time in ages, and it felt great to stretch those muscles. I will share a link once the essay is published. I also recently received a couple of exciting acceptances that I can’t talk much about yet, and somehow completed writing and assembling an entire short story collection last weekend.
Is your heart racing yet? Because mine definitely is.
I was proud to recently participate in the #TransRightsReadathon, and strongly encourage you to check out books by trans authors and make donations to organizations that support trans people, like the LA LGBT Center or The Okra Project. Idonated to the LA LGBT Center this year.
All of this creative productivity has meant that my art kit project has been pushed aside – for now! That’s okay. I’m really enjoying the art journal practice that I started this year. As previously posted, I’ve been letting myself create collage pieces in a sketchbook that only need to satisfy my own taste/creative whims, and no one else’s. If you’d like to see some more of my “selfish art”, I’ve been posting it on my Twitter and Instagram.
I hope that you’re all doing well, and making and/or doing things that make you happy. Fun is important!
For many years my depression was so overwhelming, I found it incredibly difficult to create. This was heartbreaking. In childhood, I constantly carried sketchbooks with me wherever I went, filling them up with random doodles and thoughts. When I could not articulate myself in words, there was always art. Art was my favorite thing to do. I continued drawing in middle school and high school, and tried out acrylic painting. I built sculptures. Experimented with bookbinding. When I started college I continued regularly painting with acrylics, even displaying some of my works on a local coffee shop’s walls. At that time my major was creative writing – not an art-focused major – but soon after that I double majored in screenwriting and animation, and almost all of my creative work immediately became curriculum. This also marked a large personal shift from tactile creation to digital (that I would occasionally resist by making stop motion animation, but stop motion is expensive, and it was inevitably more affordable to make digital art). I loved making digital art, but after spending over a decade making it, I found myself lost. So I stopped making art.
Part of my depression was related to creation – a creative project that was very personal to me ended up dying due to circumstances beyond my control – and I was mourning my work. Mourning my career. I needed the time and space to feel that. During that period of time I kept writing; writing was the lifeline thrown to myself in the dark. But I couldn’t bring myself to experience the joy of making other things – that eluded me.
Sometimes I would see things that inspired me – kits and blanks begging for someone to peel off the tape and build – and sometimes, just sometimes, I would let myself buy one. Of course as soon as I purchased the kit, my depression would return, and I would feel exhausted and guilty for buying something that “I didn’t need”. The kit would get shoved into a closet or a pile, for some future version of myself to get rid of.
It took a long time and a lot of hard work and support for me to reach the point where I am now: eager to live. Excited to build a relationship with art and the world again. I am so grateful for the friends and family that I have made, and the excellent therapy I have received and continue to receive. Right now my depression doesn’t control my life anymore. Oh it still comes around to visit, you understand, it’s just not in charge of things. And this year when I decided to consciously embrace my artistic voice, I discovered that I’ve left myself a kind of birthday or Christmas.
Among the various crafting delights I have such wonders as an ambiguously named “jewelry kit”, a felting kit, a bath bomb kit, and more. And the blanks! There’s delights like a blank board book, a blank paper fan, blank acrylic toys, blank flipbooks. So many empty canvases waiting for me!
I feel nothing but gratitude to myself, and affection for the depressed version of myself who believed in beautiful things, even if he couldn’t believe in himself yet. He was trying – he was trying so hard! And my heart is full for this earnest part of myself that loved and hoped.
I plan to update this blog at least once a month as I make my way through my gifts from my depression, and I’d be honored to have your company along the way. I’ll be posting summaries here, but if you’d prefer to keep an eye on all of my artistic endeavors, there’s always my Instagram @authormlopesdasilva. I’ve started my January off with an art journal – my first – and I’m enjoying the experience quite a lot! My goal is to make art that satisfies and pleases myself and my voice – not to create anything that caters to a viewer’s expectations or demands. What this means is that while I’m providing you all a window into my experience, it’s not my job or responsibility to care about the quality of the view you’re getting or what I actually produce. This practice is an attempt to heal myself from commercialization while exploring my authentic voice, and I think it’s neat! You might think it’s neat, too!
I hope that you’re all seeking to provide yourself what you need from this world – that’s a very worthy quest ❤
It’s the end of the year, and almost the start of the new one, so I thought I’d talk about the main thing on my mind right now: I love planners.
I have three different planners that I’m going to be using in 2023 and two journals. And that’s not even getting into my stack of writing and poetry notebooks. Basically, I’m a hot mess for stationery. So yeah, I love planners. Love ’em! But before that, a long, long time ago, I was in love with the idea of spellbooks.
Books that contained wisdom, ready to be referenced and used quickly to change the world around them; the idea enticed me as a kid. I already loved reading and the way that words could be pulled apart and congeal again. I loved books. So it was easy to fall in love with the concept of wizard’s tomes and witch’s grimoires. Magical volumes, powerful and useful and always portable? I’ll take one in every color, thanks!
So now we’re back to planners. Or “diaries”, or “schedule books”, or whatever you’d like to call them. Basically, these are books that interact with and record our lives. The funny thing is that I think a lot of us forget how useful a book like this is – and when I say “useful” I don’t mean in a purely utilitarian way. I’m talking about grounding yourself. Achieving dreams. Empowering yourself in meaningful and significant ways.
These books can be used to collect any kind of data that an individual finds useful and empowering. Think about that for a minute! So not just times and dates of appointments or deadlines or tasks, but observations about emotions, nature, culture, art, and the world around a person can be written down. A novel can be planned out in a schedule book. The migration patterns of birds can be observed. Mental healthcare can be integrated into a life. The exploration of your nearest city’s haunted bars can be plotted.
Just saying! The possibilities are unlimited, really. I used my 2022 planner both to help me finish writing a novella, and to start receiving gender confirming care in the form of hormone therapy. I also used it to help me write What Ate the Angels and get that story submitted to Dread Stone Press, and now that novelette physically exists in a book that was published this year – I am amazed at the tangible, physical manifestations of change that I have generated in my own life.
Boom! What did I tell you? A spellbook!
It’s also a wonderful thing to use for reflection. Planners work best when they’re used in conjunction with either a journaling practice or a meditative practice, or both. When you reflect on the data that you’ve collected, you get a chance to see how much you’ve grown, remember what you felt, and understand what those experiences meant to you. You learn more about yourself and the people you interact with in your life. It can be humbling, but it can also be one of the most internally strengthening things you will ever do.
Did I accomplish all of my goals that I had for 2022? Nope! But I’m happy with what I’ve achieved so far, and excited to plan what I’d like to do in 2023.
You don’t have to go wild with decorations, but I encourage everyone who is just starting out with planners to personalize their book (or books!) in some way. Make it your own; the planner shouldn’t be an object of intimidation, but an ally. What would your book look like? Is it full of décor or fairly minimalist? Do you change your setup regularly, or prefer to keep it fairly consistent from week to week? There are no right or wrong answers here – just gravitate towards what feels good to you. Check out stationery websites. Shop around. You might find out that you dislike daily planners and prefer a weekly or monthly setup. You might find out that certain page layouts are the worst and you can’t stand them, or develop preferences for certain kinds of book-binding styles. You don’t have to know all the answers at first, or be an expert at anything, just be open to observing and gravitating towards your idea of what’s fun, and figure out what you’d like to plan or record. Like a gardener, you can decide what you’ll grow for the next season of your life. And you can always make changes along the way – modifying your book to suit your current needs.
Whether you keep a planner or a journal or not, dear reader, I hope that you have a wonderful new year, and plan something in 2023 special for yourself.
It’s been a wild last couple of weeks! In addition to the arrival of my new novelette, “What Ate the Angels” included in Split Scream Volume 2, a short story of mine was placed on Ellen Datlow’s Recommendations for Best Horror Reading List. I can’t begin to tell you what a huge honor this is, but I will try! Ellen Datlow is an outstanding member of the horror community, and to be included on this list means that a literary legend read my work and connected with it. I’m grateful and truly proud to have “A House Without Ghosts” on this list. If you’d like to read it, it’s currently available in In Somnio: A Collection of Modern Gothic Horror released by Tenebrous Press.
I’ve also been on a couple of podcasts recently! If you’d like to hear me chat with author Cynthia Gómez about horror, writing, and whatever the heck else came up in our conversations (they both went fun and random – trust me) we were on the Espooky Podcast AND the Terrifying Tomes of Terror Podcast. Apparently the Tomes of Terror Podcast is their second-most listened to podcast of the year, and honestly, we had such a blast chatting it’s obvious to tell why! I don’t know the stats of the Espooky Podcast, but our conversation ended up really getting into talking about Oakland and Los Angeles and creepy city architectural secrets – so I definitely recommend giving it a listen.
If you’re shopping for the holidays and have someone on your list who loves queer horror that thrills, I have two books available this year to choose from! First there’s my novella Hooker, about a bisexual sex worker who ends up hunting a serial killer through the streets of 1980s Los Angeles using hooks as her weapons of choice. Fans of the 1984 film Angel, and fans of queer family triumphing against gritty odds will totally dig this book!
And now there’s my newest book, Split Scream Volume 2, featuring my novelette “What Ate the Angels”. Now in this book there are two cool stories to read – mine and “The Shivering World” by Cynthia Gómez. Cynthia’s story is a contemporary reimagining of the La Llorona folk legend set in Oakland, and it shines with beautiful character interiority, visual description, and metaphors that linger in the gut. My novelette features a non-binary ASMR artist who wants to help their girlfriend recover from a mysterious illness, resulting in a wild goopy ride under the streets of Los Angeles. There’s gore, there’s vore, and so much more! I hope that you get a chance to pick up these books and check them out. I’m proud as hell of both of them.
Thank you for reading and supporting my blog and writing career! I appreciate all of my fans and friends that have helped me get this far, and love you to itty bitty pieces! Gross, but true! This year I’ve met so many amazing creative people, and I can’t wait to meet more of you next year at StokerCon.
What if the “final girls” who encountered the same serial killer all grew up, and decided to come back and face the source of their collective fear? The Final Women by Pardeep Aujla throws us into this premise with aplomb, guiding us into the concerns and fears of these women so effortlessly that we are rooting for them to succeed from page one.
Even though there are four protagonists, the author does an excellent job keeping the voices of these characters unique and distinct from each other. You will never get Cassy mixed up with Ana, or Josie confused with Nell. As a reader who has difficulty with remembering character names, I loved this.
Silas Crowe, the slasher of this book, is a character that plays with and distorts familiar horror tropes in a unique way. After reading this book I immediately had to listen to Public Image Ltd’s banger of a song “The Order of Death” again – kudos to Pardeep for incorporating the track into such a memorable scene!
The action moves quickly, and fans of slashers and folk horror will have something to get from reading this book. If you’re looking for a fun, quick read, The Final Women is an excellent choice.
It’s my favorite time of year – when autumn becomes definitively wintry, no turning back – and I’m delighted to report that I have a couple of poems out there for you to enjoy.
I also recently performed a reading of my poem “a haunted pornographic magazine in the woods”, which is being published in HWA Poetry Showcase Vol IX – here’s the video in all of my sniffly glory (I’m recovering from a boring virus). Thank you for watching! I hope that your autumn is a cozy and nourishing one. It’s great weather for writing some poetry.
So many exciting things are going on behind the scenes lately! I can’t reveal much at the moment, but here’s what I can share:
Split Scream Vol. 2
First of all I am absolutely thrilled to announce that I have a new book coming out with Dread Stone Press this fall. Check out the awesome cover art above!! I’m going to be in Split Scream Vol. 2with my novelette What Ate the Angels, a goopy thrill ride through the historical abandoned tunnels running underneath Los Angeles, full of messy queers and sexy body horror. Here’s the really cool thing about the Split Scream series – each book features two novelettes written by two different horror authors – it’s like a double feature at the movies but in book form! The other author featured in Split Scream Vol. 2 is Cynthia Gómez, with her creepy novelette The Shivering World. Cynthia’s horrifying take on the La Llorona myth is incredibly vivid, and her protagonist Nayeli will draw you into her battle against gentrification and racism in Oakland. It’s two great stories that are even better together, resulting in Golden State horror at its best. And guess what? It’s available for pre-order at Barnes and Noble online right now!
I want you to know that I sincerely appreciate any and all support that this book receives, from the bottom of my heart! Independent horror is alive and well, and you are the folks that keep it thriving. Thank you.
Also, how cool is it that I got to write a horror story about a non-binary protagonist and their girlfriend and that so many other people have believed in it and brought it this far??? I am constantly filled with love and gratitude for this (very smol) corner of the publishing industry, and the individuals helping to bring my stories to wider audience – y’all rock so hard ❤
Wow, so much has been going on that I keep on forgetting to update this poor, overlooked corner of the internet that makes up my writing blog. Thank you to my readers for your patience and persistence! You impress the heck out of me.
The biggest announcement: I’m non-binary, and my pronouns are she/they/he. Thank you for your respect and support on my journey – it means the world to me.
I’m also delighted to announce that I have a story coming up in Weirdpunk Books‘ forthcoming horror anthology Stories of the Eye. The story that I wrote for this anthology splits me in two: my experiences working as a model and as an artist collide in this fictional tale of creative vision and queer yearning. I think that you’ll really like this one.
I decided to publish an ezine as a birthday present to myself! ‘Into the Forest and Out Again’ collects 3 of my previously published comics, “ONCE” which appeared in Mythic Picnic Vol. 5, “The Night the Sea Came In” which appeared in Enchanted Conversation, and my 24 Hour Comic project “Into the Forest” in a beautiful ebook. The artwork is available in their highest resolution ever – sometimes even better than the originals! And it’s available for free on Google Play. Click here to go check it out!
page 24 from ‘Into the Forest and Out Again’ by M. Lopes da Silva
My queer horror comic is ALSO available on Amazon, however they won’t let me permanently list is below a $1.99 sale price and I am trying to figure out how to price match petition it so that they will just…make it free. In other behind the scenes Amazon drama, they decided to switch my metadata so that they bumped this comic out of “LGBTQ comics” and “LGBTQ horror comics” and misleadingly put it in “LGBTQ books – Literature and Fiction”, then they had the gumption to send me an email and tell me *I* was being misleading? Come on now, corporate. You can’t get more comics than this comic book.
I am republishing the book in the hope of changing its metadata back, but this is incredibly frustrating. Google Play has been nothing but accommodating for me as a queer author, but Amazon is challenging me at every turn.
I’m trying to republish/change the listing for it as we speak. To see if I have made any progress on Amazon’s blunders, click here.
I’ve been collecting cool stickers that I like for years, but I’m usually reluctant to use them. What if I “mess up” and use a sticker I love on something that immediately gets dirty, or just isn’t “cool enough” to put my sticker on in the first place?? Oh, no! But I usually have a lot more fun if I challenge my anxiety and just do the thing that makes me anxious, so I decided to sticker bomb some of my stuff, but on my own terms. First, I would pick things that wouldn’t go “out of style” for me. That meant no notebooks, because I cycle through notebook preferences about every six months or so. I decided to put stickers on my two trusty writing tools – my Mac laptop and Neo2.
Stickers on a Neo2
Then I let my brain do the whole “creative” thing and just sat down with my stickers, moved them around, started sticking them down! It was fun to build up layers and miniature narratives as the characters on the stickers began to interact with each other. It was just pure fun!
A close up of stickers by various indie artists!
Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is give yourself permission to have fun. I recommend giving yourself that chance.
author m. 